The Onion had the chance to do the funniest thing. And they did it! This morning, the satirical website’s CEO Ben Collins announced that his company was the winning bidder in the auction for the Infowars assets.
The company’s satirical CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder explained that the decision was “an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.”
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
The guys who brought you the recurring headline “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens,” will now own the media outlet used by smear merchant Alex Jones to defame the families of victims of the Sandy Hook shooting. And the purchase was financed, at least in part, with a multi-year advertising commitment from Everytown for Gun Safety, the gun violence prevention non-profit which is itself financed by Michael Bloomberg.
In addition to The Onion, through its parent company Global Tetrahedron, the deal includes the Sandy Hook plaintiffs who filed in Connecticut (but not the Texas plaintiffs).
From bankruptcy trustee Christopher Murray’s notice of the successful bid:
In his reasonable business judgment, the Trustee has designated the joint bid by Global Tetrahedron, LLC (“Global Tetrahedron”) and the Connecticut Families as the Successful Bid at the IP Assets Auction and Global Tetrahedron and the Connecticut Families, jointly, as the Successful Bidder.
“By divesting Jones of Infowars’ assets, the families and the team at The Onion have done a public service and will meaningfully hinder Jones’s ability to do more harm,” their attorney Chris Mattei told the New York Times.
Jones appears to be taking it well.
Earlier this week, he seemed optimistic that a fellow troll would pony up the cash to buy the business in the bankruptcy sale of his assets and allow him to continue to run it. CNN reported that one of his allies had made a “seven figure offer” for the bankruptcy assets. But it would appear that Jones, who notably tried to buy off the Sandy Hook plaintiffs with a measly $10 million, undershot again.
It’s not clear whether this ally was the backup bidder First United American Companies, LLC, nor is it clear who is the AC that this LLC is FU-ing. FUAC is represented by a Texas attorney named Walter Cicack, who previously represented Charlie Cicack, whom the New York Times described as “an entrepreneur who had sold products through Free Speech Systems in the past.” Charlie Cicack was deposed last year in the now-dismissed FSS bankruptcy.
FUAC is furious, and moved for an emergency hearing today “to address the apparent defects in the sale process, including changing the procedures, lack of transparency, and inaccurate disclosures to interested bidders.”
“Because the value of the assets is in the process of being destroyed at this very minute, FUAC requests a status conference today if the court’s calendar can accommodate it,” Walter Cicack added on behalf of whoever is throwing middle fingers behind that LLC. The hearing is at 2:30CT, and available to listen to through US Bankruptcy Judge Christopher Lopez’s public access line.
As CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder would say, “All will be revealed in due time. For now, let’s enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital.”
Alexander E. Jones and Official Committee Of Unsecured Creditors [Docket via Court Listener]
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.