(Photographer: Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post/Bloomberg via Getty Images)
Suppose the Democrats chose as their candidate for president a person who had five different children by three different partners. Suppose that person were a Black woman. Suppose that person were named Kamala Harris. I can only imagine the Republicans’ reaction: “How could Democrats have nominated that slut? What about family values? The candidate is a disgrace!”
I bet it would be worse than being a childless cat-lady.
On the other hand, suppose the Republicans chose as their candidate for president a person who had five different children by three different partners. That would be a fine, upstanding person — indeed, a family values candidate. The candidate’s name would be Donald Trump. Just count the kids and the wives: Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, by Ivana; Tiffany, by Marla Maples; and Barron, by Melania.
There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. But Republicans are launching attacks on Harris that are ridiculous coming from the mouths of people who support Trump.
Republicans are now assailing Harris because she dated Willie Brown when she was 30-ish and he was 60-ish. (They dated for about two years.) Brown was legally married when he was dating Harris, although he had been separated from his wife for more than a decade. Brown appointed Harris to two state boards in 1994, while they were dating.
The Republican critique is multifold: Harris dated a man who was married! And the man was 30 years her senior! And the man appointed her to state boards, proving that she slept her way to the top!
(I heard some of these things in response to my column of two weeks ago that posed some difficult questions to Trump loyalists. Trump loyalists get very mad when you pose difficult questions to them.)
Before you get all hot and bothered about Harris’s supposed sexual misdeeds, slow down for a minute.
Donald Trump can hear about all of Harris’s conduct and tell Kamala just one thing: “Hold my beer.”
Donald and Melania are 24 years apart in age. I guess Trump and Brown can compare notes about dating younger women. Trump was married to Ivana when he started dating Maples. I guess Trump and Brown can compare notes about dating while married — although Brown was at least separated from his wife when he started dating Harris; Trump is somewhat less of a family-values guy.
Oh, yes: Trump also slept with a porn star while Melania was home with 4-month-old Barron. And, starting at roughly the same time, Trump had an affair with Karen McDougal, which, according to McDougal, lasted for 10 months. During those 10 months, says McDougal, they saw each other “a minimum of five times per month.”
I was wrong. It’s not “hold my beer.” It’s “hold my six pack.”
Wait, I forgot: Then there’s rape!
Let’s be accurate here: Technically, there’s a jury in a civil case finding that Trump sexually assaulted E. Jean Carroll, and the presiding judge later saying that, in the common vernacular, Trump’s conduct constituted rape.
I wouldn’t want to unfairly disparage a presidential candidate.
Doesn’t rape count at least a little bit when we’re weighing sexual misdeeds?
I guess we should revise again what Trump could say to Harris: It’s actually, “Hold my keg!”
What about the second half of the Republicans’ criticism of Harris? Brown jump-started Harris’s career by appointing her to two state boards.
I feel a little sympathy for this argument. I’m sure I would have had a more impressive career if someone had appointed me to two state boards when I was young.
But Trump was given a $40 million share in his father’s real estate company in 1974. If Trump had done no work whatsoever — if he’d simply invested the $40 million in an S&P index fund — the $40 million would have been worth $2.3 billion to $3.4 billion by 2015, or about what Trump was worth at the time.
Having someone appoint you to state boards is nice, but you still have to work for a living. Having daddy give you $40 million is even nicer: Put the money in an index fund, spend all your time playing golf, and brag about how you’re a great businessman.
Republicans are now engaged in yet more mudslinging. JD Vance says that Tim Walz committed the military wrong of “stolen valor” by resigning from the National Guard shortly before Walz’s unit was deployed to Iraq. Although there are questions around the edges, apparently Walz retired, after more than 20 years of service, because he had decided to run for Congress and couldn’t run his political campaign from overseas.
You could quibble about the relevance of all of this.
Unless you were Trump. If you were Trump, you could say only one thing: “Tim Walz: Hold my brewery!”
Remember that Trump was of military age during the Vietnam War. He obtained four deferments of the draft while he was in college. After graduation, Trump found a physician who diagnosed him with bone spurs, permitting Trump to completely avoid military service. When later asked about his condition, Trump couldn’t remember in which foot the disabling bone spurs had occurred.
If mere “stolen valor” after 24 years of military service is bad, where does Trump’s conduct fit in the hierarchy?
I really don’t mind the customary mudslinging involved in political campaigns. I’m no big fan of a political system that forces politicians to take extreme positions, and I generally don’t approve of the desire for self-aggrandizement that prompts most folks to enter politics. I’d prefer moderate candidates who care more about country than self.
But, if you’re going to sling mud during a political campaign, at least be biblical about it: “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and later oversaw litigation, compliance and employment matters at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at [email protected].